Jokes, Quotes and Fun about Casino

Joke 1

Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.

“The brightest dog I ever had,” said one, “was a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep.”

“You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars.”

“Had to,” the man replied. “Caught him using marked cards!”

Joke 2

A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This piques his curiosity, so he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.

The next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog just like everybody else. The dog acts in turn with all of the other players: calling, raising, discarding, and doing everything that the human players are doing.

Oddly, none of the other players seems to pay any mind to the fact that they are playing with a dog. They treat him just like any other player.

Finally, the man can no longer contain his curiosity, so between hands he says quietly to one of the human players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker! He must be the smartest dog in the world!”

The player smiles and says, “He’s not that smart. Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

Joke 3

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, “Three million dollars.”

The accounts person is startled and says, “In what form?”

The little old lady says, “Cash. I’ve got it here in this bag…” The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag full of green stuff with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle the situation. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, “Gambling.”

“Gambling?” he says. “What sort of gambling?”

“Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I’ve got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I’ll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you’d be willing to wager on that?”

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn’t get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. “I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn’t feel right taking it from you…there’s no way you can win a bet like that!”

The little old lady just shakes the bag and says, “I know what I’m doing…and I can afford to lose, even though I’m not going to. Is it a bet?”

“OK, have it your way,” says the president, and they shake hands.

“See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning,” says the little old lady, and with that she leaves.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president’s office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He’d checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing: his balls were perfectly normal.

When the little old lady arrives he starts to relax, knowing he had won the bet.

“Come in, please, and have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?” says the president.

“He’s my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?”

“No, perfectly understandable,” says the president. “Well, it’s now noon, and I’m still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he says happily.

“Not so fast!” says the little old lady. “For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.”

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he’d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

“OK, you win, here’s your $100,000,” says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As soon as she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

“What’s wrong with him?” asks the bank president.

“Oh, he’s just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.”